The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
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His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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