So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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