I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
