Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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