why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
