I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
