question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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