I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
