Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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