New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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