im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm always down for nudity.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
