but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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