I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
