Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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