You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
