my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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