Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
