OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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