I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
