Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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