I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
