She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
