I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
