he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
