that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
