I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
