I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
