Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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