do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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