dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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