would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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