somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
