You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
