i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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