Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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