No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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