im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
