Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
