WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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