My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
