yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
