So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
