The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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