Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
this just has baby written all over it
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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