dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
