I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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