It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
