fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
