atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
