Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Pooping to opera.
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