i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
