she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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