it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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