wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
