Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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