I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
