yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You're a waste of cheezeits
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
